Naked Walk of Shame to My Parents House

January 20, 2017

Date of Event July 2002:

 

  It was only a matter of time before I brought my drunken antics back to my parents house. Since I didn’t drink too much in high school I was always able to steer clear of being a drunken mess at home. Well, that all came to an end one Sunday morning in the Summer of 2002. While this might not be my wildest drunken story it still makes me laugh to this very day. Here’s how it went down.

   The night before I was hanging with with two childhood buddies named Danny and Robert. Like most 20 year old kids who were home for the summer we were always looking to go out, but we also had limited options. Now all three of us had fake IDs, but we were also living at home for the summer. However this never stopped us from getting drunk and always attempting to get laid. Around 11PM on this particular night our other friend named Josh called to let us know there was going to be a huge after hours party at the restaurant he where he waited tables.

   At the time Josh worked at a place which was called Michael G’s. It was a big restaurant located in Cincinnati along the Ohio River. The place had a large pool and patio and was ideal for an after hours party, especially one not sanctioned by the owner. Basically every few weeks the staff would have a huge bash after the place shut down for the night. All the workers would invite friends and it would always be a great late night shindig. So we prepared appropriately and bought two 30 packs of Miller Lite and showed up around midnight.

  Now at the time I had a massive boot on my foot and one crutch like I was “Tiny Fucking Tim” from A Christmas Carol. About 10 days earlier I had dropped a 25 pound weight on my foot at the gym and completely smashed by big toe. I was lucky I didn’t break my entire foot and even more lucky when a midget male nurse dressed the wound at the Emergency Room before I saw the doctor. It made my night having a little guy take care of me, but my mom wasn’t happy because I blatantly laughed in his face like a total asshole. Anyway back to the story:

   So I hobbled into the party and was excited to go into my normal mode of blacking out on booze. In about 6 hours that mission was easily accomplished. As the hours of the night waned into the early morning I found myself swimming completely naked and alone in pool. At this juncture I was officially the "weird guy" at the party. Girls wanted no part of me and the men wanted to fight me. I hopped out of the pool and danced around naked, shaking my balls right near one of the white trash cooks. He slowly looked up with a pissed off look on his face and said:

 

“If your balls get any closer to me I’m gonna kick your ass.”

 

   I quickly realized I didn’t want to get my ass kicked by a meth addict so I limped away. The sun was coming up so my friend Danny said we should leave the party and recommended I put my clothes back on. However, I was in no mood to get dressed and just started walking towards the direction of his car. But he kept insisting, saying:

 

“Ruther put your fucking clothes on.”

 

   I just laughed. I was in one of my blissful drunk moods and the thought of being completely naked just made me laugh. So my friends grabbed my clothes and followed closely behind as I hobbled around, wearing nothing but a boot. And then I decided it was time to be more of a jackass.

   As we walked down the flight of stairs to get to our car I suddenly launched my one crutch as far as I could into a nearby woods. Then I instantly burst out laughing as my friends stared at me with puzzled looks on their faces.

 

Danny said: “What the hell Ruther...why would you do that?”

 

Me: “Because it’s funny.”

 

   At this point my friends had given up trying to reason with me because I was clearly in a world to myself. So I hopped down the stairs on one leg and jumped into into the back seat of Danny’s car - still completely naked. Danny and my two other friends followed suit and once again Danny said:

 

“Ruther put on some goddamn clothes.”

 

Me: “Nope, not doing it.”

 

   So we took left the parking lot and got onto the main road. I was sitting in Danny’s backseat wearing nothing but a shit eaten grin. I must have looked ridiculous being fully nude with my seat belt on. At this point Josh and Robert were cracking up and Danny had basically given up trying to convince me to put on my clothes. The sun was now shining brightly and it was probably around 6:30 AM. We pulled up to my parents house, which is located in the most white suburban neighborhood of Cincinnati in a place called Anderson Township. My friends assumed I’d get dressed before walking up their long driveway...but they assumed wrong.

   It didn’t matter to me that it was fully daylight, or that there was a great chance my mom would be sitting at the kitchen table reading the Sunday newspaper, while she ate her breakfast. I wanted no part of wearing clothes. So I got out of Danny’s car and literally tossed my clothes right onto the street and hobbled up my parents driveway wearing nothing but my boot. My friends kept yelling:

 

“Ruther put on some clothes. Dude, what if your parents are up?”

 

   But I just laughed and headed right into the house. And instead of going right to bed I decided I was hungry, so I opened the fridge and started making a fat ass meat sandwich. When I’m drunk there’s no stopping my appetite. I’d put my drunken munchies eating skills against anyone. Robert followed me in shortly and was laughing uncontrollably. He walked over to find me bent over grabbing various lunch meats out of my parents’ fridge. So here I was, just completely naked making a sandwich and dipping Tostitos tortilla chips into a gigantic Sam’s Club size jar of salsa con queso.

   I cannot begin to imagine what my mom would have said if she walked out and found me like this. Her 20 year old son, completely nude, eating a triple decker sandwich in the kitchen at 7AM. Luckily she never found out and after pounding some food I crashed hard in the old bunk bed I grew up in. Needless to say I didn't make it for the 10 AM Sunday morning mass with my parents that day. When I woke up around 2PM I called my friend Robert, who apparently was leaving the house right as my parents were returning from church. He said my mom asked:

 

“Why are there clothes on the street by your car?”


Fortunately he saved my ass by saying they’d fallen out the back of his SUV, claiming they were his. To this day I still wonder what my parents would have said if they found me butt ass naked in kitchen shoving food in my face on a Sunday morning. I also wonder if any of their neighbors saw me hopping up the driveway, completely nude, wearing nothing but a boot on my left foot. I guess I’ll never know, but I do know I don’t regret a damn thing about that night, because I’ll laugh about it forever.

 

 

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