It's Time to Eliminate American Schools

February 9, 2017

 

      Another week, another controversial vote for a Donald Trump cabinet member. This week's fake social media outrage was over Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. But I'm not here to talk about Betsy, Quite frankly I don't even know what the Secretary of Education even does, and to be honest I don't really care. So instead of arguing why she is or isn't qualified to lead our public school system I propose a new idea: Put kids to work instead of going to school.

   Remember the good ole days when kids started working and learned a trade at a young age? It's time to bring it back because school is worthless. America's public school system has failed us for years and there's no solution in sight. So I don't care if Betsy DeVos or someone with years of service in the school system is calling the shots, it's time to eliminate schools. Let's be honest, are kids in America really learning? Let's go over the stats:

   According to the MBC Times (who knows if it's legit, I don't have time to Google) the United States ranks 14th for "Best Educations in the World." 14th!!! The 14th best team in the NFL doesn't even make the playoffs. We'd be better off being dead last and getting a higher draft pick like the next Albert Einstein than coming in 14th. Making matters worse, Russia is ahead of us at #13. We're behind Russia...fucking Russia! A country where people have to wait 3 weeks to get a loaf of bread and kids have to walk in 6 miles of snow just to get to school. It's almost as if Rocky beat Ivan Drago for nothing! And it only gets worse when we break down the numbers,

   According to the Program for International Student Assessment, or PISA the United States ranked 40th in Math, 23rd in Reading, and 25th in Science worldwide. Translation = Our country is full of dumbass kids. Since the whole school thing doesn't seem to be working out I say we put these little shits to work! Let's just follow the Chinese model. Put the kids in factories starting around age 5 and it'll solve so many problems. First off, it'll be great for the economy. Think about how many jobs it will add if we just poured our children into the work force. Also, it'll keep the jobs in America! Forget all those "Made in China" tags on your favorite shirt, electronic device, or toy. The blood, sweat, and tears of your new iPhone will be made by a 6 year old American boy working the late shift for Apple at a factory in Morgantown, West Virginia. 

   Secondly, think how much our country will save on education? No more taxes or levies for the public school system. We can finally use the money we save on schools and overpaid teachers to pay back China. As a former high school teacher I'm so sick of teachers whining how they're underpaid. Underpaid, are you kidding me? You get 14 weeks off a year. Name another job that gets 14 weeks off and still gets paid a summer salary to sit by the pool and drink Mojitos. The answer is none! So it's time to trim the fat of these overpaid educators who have done nothing but given us the 14th best education system in the world. 

   The only negative of no teachers and schools would be the elimination of the classic movies where the white person comes into the hood to save the day. Which means no more Dangerous Minds type movies, which also means no more classic rap hits like Coolio's "Ganster's Paradise." But sometimes you have to make sacrifices for a greater cause. And as much I like the classic tale of old whitey showing the inner city kids how they can change the world, we just can't have our cake and eat it too.

   So I think I solved America's education problem. It's a really simple solution. Let's end all public and private education and put the kids to work! In Andy Ruther's America when your kid makes you something you'll be able to actually use it. So instead of your 7 year old daughter coming home with a shitty piece of play-doh she made in Kindergarten she'll bring you a new pair of shoes she made at work. It just sounds like a winning situation for everyone. It's time for kids to put down those multiplication flash cards and pick up a hammer, because America isn't going to build itself. 

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