I can’t believe it’s been 6 months. It’s like they say: “Time flies when you’re not wasting it with pointless conversations on your phone.” 6 months ago I deleted all my dating apps. And to quote The Sandlot, I deleted them “Foreeeeeeever.” I didn’t just delete the apps, I went into Facebook and removed all the data so it was like it never happened. Gone in a matter of seconds were over 500 matches on Tinder and Bumble (humble brag). Gone were past hookups, conversations, possible future one-night-stands, or potential new girlfriends. I simply couldn’t do it anymore. My male friends thought I was crazy. They thought I’d regret it, and I’d miss out on so many opportunities...but I simply didn’t care.
I’d be lying if I told you dating apps had treated me badly. Since I jumped into the dating phone app game in August 2013 with Tinder it was usually successful. I went through periods of frequent random hookups, fun dates, and even met the first love of my life because of Tinder. But I just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t have the time, energy, or patience to play the game. The final straw happened when I was messaging a girl back and forth on Bumble. She told me: “I was responding too quickly” to her questions and that I needed to “play the game more.” Bitch, I’m 35 years old, I don’t have time to play games and that was the end of it. I instantly deleted Tinder, Bumble, and 6 months later I don’t regret a thing.
When I told my friend I deleted all my dating apps and matches he said I just needed to prioritize my time better. He recommended that I re-download Tinder and Bumble and only use them while I was sitting on the toilet or lying in bed before going to sleep. But we all know it never happens that way. I’d still be messaging girls while sitting in LA traffic, waiting to go on stage for a show, or wasting minutes and possibly hours out of my day with conversations that lead to nothing. I’m a comedian, writer, and podcast host, so I work from home during the day. It’s real easy to get distracted when an attractive woman sends you a message. Instead of working on a new stand-up bits or preparing for an upcoming podcast I’d find myself in a rabbit-hole conversation with a complete stranger.
The problem is no one wants to meet face to face. Instead of matching and setting up a time to meet everyone wants this long drawn out back and forth…and quite frankly I don’t have time for that shit. Even the women who use dating apps for hookups will never flat out say it. So it turns into these meaningless convos that no one gives a shit about. It was fun when I was in my early 30s, but now that I’m 35 I value my time and career much more. The amazing thing is in the past 6 months I’ve been more productive than I’ve ever been. I’ve been writing and performing nonstop and my creativity level has never been higher.
On the downside it’s killed my sex life. As in my sex life is basically the equivalent of an Asian kid who plays E-Sports in his mom’s basement. It’s non-existent, void, negative, and dryer than the Sahara dessert. But for me it’s about the marathon, not the race. If it helps my creativity and career in the long run who cares if I give up a few nights of fun. I’m sure I’ll eventually go back and who knows what types of apps the future holds. I’m still waiting on the dating app where you match and have 24 hours to meet for tacos. What better way to get to know someone than over a delicious Mexican meal made by illegal immigrants? But in the meantime I’ll just stick to using my right hand…just the way God intended it.