My 192 Days Without Sex

May 24, 2017

 

I made it 192 days without sex. When I started my abstinence run back on November 6, 2016 I didn’t intend for it to go this long. I had just had a one night stand with a shy Indian optometrist who was an audience member at one of my comedy shows. After hanging out at a local Santa Monica bar and playing some intense games of Connect Four we came back to my place. We both struggled to make it through about 20 minutes of Crocodile Dundee 3 (Yes, this movie actually exists) and moved the party to my bed, which is about one foot away from couch in my tiny studio apartment in Venice Beach. After some interesting awkward sex I fell into a deep sleep with feelings of regret. 

 

When I walked this young lady out the next day I felt different and knew I needed to change some things about my life. I was going through so many post-breakup emotions from my previous relationship and the random sex just wasn’t doing it for me. In the past a fun one-nighter always made me feel better, but not on that day. I just felt like I needed to adjust some aspects of my life. Then I decided to drive to and from Los Angeles to my hometown of Cincinnati, Ohio for Christmas. During the nearly 4,500 mile drive I had an enormous amount of time to think. In between rocking out 80s music and listening to old Howard Stern interviews I decided I was going to attempt a temporary abstinence. For the first time in my life since I lost my virginity I was purposely going to refrain from sex. 

 

I think a combo of my 35th birthday, my difficult breakup, and wanting more from my career all hit me at once. So my unlikely conclusion was no sex. I was already off dating apps which made it easier, but I still knew it was going to be an uphill battle. Not to sound like an arrogant asshole, but I’ve never had a difficult time getting laid. If a man knows how to hold a conversation and can make a woman laugh it’s usually pretty easy to hook up. My biggest challenge in remaining celibate was not pursuing any potential partners. I didn’t ask for any numbers or flirt with girls after my comedy shows. I kept myself low-key and spent many nights doing a solo Netflix and Chill. And every time I got the urge to text an old fling or a guaranteed hook-up I just jerked off. It was such an easy and quick fix. I could handle my business and go right back to what I was working on. 

 

During my six plus months without doing the dirty deed I harnessed my energy in other places. I was writing nonstop - whether it was jokes for stage, blogs, or just my daily thoughts. I also redirected my pathetic sexless life by working out more and getting into some of the best shape of my life. I also became more focussed on what I wanted for my career and also my personal life. It wasn’t always easy, but I don’t regret one day of it. To be honest it was nice not dealing with the text messages from women I didn’t care about or the drama of a current hook-up. Even when you think it’s just a hook-up, it rarely is. Emotions and feelings are always involved in sex. I’m not saying sex only relationships aren’t possible, but I’m saying it’s rare for them to actually happen. So I didn’t miss all the baggage that comes with sex. 

 

And then suddenly one day I realized I needed to start having sex again. I did my time and I was over it. I had an awful performance during a "Roast Battle" at The Comedy Store and decided I not only wanted, but needed sex. After the show I jumped into my car and went straight to a CVS to buy condoms. I was officially ready to get back into the sex game. One week later I broke my abstinence streak. I had lasted a whopping 192 days without sex. I felt like a girl losing her virginity on prom night. I guess the question now is: Where do I go from here? Do I download Tinder and Bumble and go back to the Andy Ruther of 3-4 years ago who used dating apps as mechanisms for easy sex? Or do I actually look for a relationship and something more meaningful? Or do I find a happy balance of something in the middle?

 

I don’t know the answer, but I do know that I can go without sex and it’s actually not that bad. It forces you to think about your life and reflect on things outside of "ass and titties" to quote my friends from Three 6 Mafia. And the best part is you always have a get out of jail card with Pornhub. Which reminds me I haven’t been on there since I broke my sex-less streak. Maybe it’s time I went back…just for old times sake. 

 

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