We're All Going to Die of Cancer

July 11, 2017

 

 

About a year ago I was talking with my dad, the legendary Walt Ruther. The man who pumped out and raised 5 boys like a boss. If you don’t know Walt that’s your loss, because the man is the GOAT in every sense of the word. Anyway, my dad nonchalantly said: “Everyone is going to die of cancer.” Initially I blew it off as something morbid my old man was saying just to get a reaction out of me. But as time has passed I’ve hung onto those words and they seem truer everyday. 

 

Cancer is in people and it’s everywhere. Just watch the news, sporting event or any documentary and it’s all about the “C-Word.” 

 

Cell Phone = Cancer

 

Eating Meat = Cancer

 

Eating Carbs = Cancer

 

Leaving Your Apartment = Cancer

 

The other day I started the new Netflix documentary What the Health and had to turn it off after 25 minutes because I learned it doesn’t matter what I eat, I’m getting cancer.  And to make matters worse the numbers support this. According to www.Cancer.Org 42% of men in the United States have a risk of developing cancer and 22% of men will die of cancer. Don’t worry ladies I’m all about equality so I’m not going to leave you out. According to the same site 37% of women in the United States have a risk of developing cancer and 19% of women will die from cancer. On the bright side my dad was right…everyone is going to die of cancer.

 

So here’s my advice:  Cancer is everywhere, so embrace it. Go hang at the beach and take in those cancerous UV rays. Swim in the polluted cancer filled ocean. On the way home from the beach stop at a restaurant and eat a hormone injected cancer cheeseburger. Then wash that burger down with a cancer filled beer. And make sure you document the entire thing on Snapchat to ensure the cancer rays from the phone are hitting your hands and face. 

 

Of course I’m joking, but not really. Life is too short to be worried all the damn time. My mom is a breast cancer survivor so I know firsthand that cancer is not fun. But you know what else isn't fun - living your entire life in fear. Now I’m not recomending anyone to be wreck-less with their bodies. For example, limit your Taco Bell to maybe twice a week, three times at most. The last thing our country needs is more obese people who can’t fit into their airplane seats. Just find a healthy balance and enjoy your time on this planet. Because no one wants to be around that person at a house party who’s dissecting the nutritional contents on a bag of potato chips. News flash - Chips aren’t healthy and have never been healthy, but they also taste delicious, so slam a handful down your throat and own it!

 

Just remember that life's short and you never know when it’ll be taken. And if I learned anything from my dad is that it’ll most likely be taken by cancer. So enjoy it why you can because like DMX “Cancer's Gon' Give it to Ya!” 

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