Ahhh 2017 what a time to be alive! While most people are wasting their time caring about Donald Trump, political correctness and if the world is going to end, I’m trying to focus on the positives of this strange time we live in. So I was very excited when the state of Nevada decided the world needed OJ Simpson free again. In fact I watched the entire parole hearing from my tiny studio apartment in Venice Beach. I simply could not take my eyes off another OJ Simpson circus and the fact that The Juice could be free again.
Then it hit me: There couldn’t be better time for OJ to be released into the wild. Our President is a former reality TV star, Kid Rock is running for Senate, cars are about to drive themselves, and a former Olympic gold medal winning triathlete now has a great set of tits. So the timing was ripe to set The Juice free. Americans are addicted to OJ and we need that fix in person. Please OJ set us free! In a matter of months OJ will once again be roaming the streets of America. But what does this mean? What will he do? Where will he live? So many questions that need to be answered. So I've decided to take matters into my own hands and create a list of 5 jobs for post prison OJ Simpson. So here they are, in no particular order:
1. Reality TV Star - This is the most obvious choice on the list. Hell, OJ was a reality TV star before reality TV even existed. His 1994 police chase in the white Ford Bronco across the 405 freeway was such a big deal that NBC cut away from the NBA Finals to cover the chase. In fact the Kardashians should give 10% of their earnings to OJ because he basically paved the way for them. Just put a camera in front of The Juice and we’ll all watch…it’s that simple. Plus if there’s always cameras on him he’ll be way less likely to murder anyone.
2. Podcast Host - “The Juice” with OJ Simpson would be a great podcast. Like reality TV just stick a mic in front of him and let him do the rest. Whether he’s talking sports, politics, or current events the masses want to hear OJ’s opinion. Just imagine OJ mowing thru those Blue Apron and Harry’s razors ad reads. “Remember guys use promo code “Not Guilty” to get your first 3 meals free from Blue Apron. That’s promo code “Not Guilty.”
3. Bills Running Back - OJ might be 70 but he’s proof that black don’t crack. He still looks great for his age and we all know his former team needs all the help it can get. Sure they have LeSean McCoy as their primary running back, but what about when Shady McCoy needs a rest? That’s where OJ comes in. Look the Bills are probably going to lose 7-10 games anyway, so they might as well make it entertaining for Bills Mafia. Plus, what defender wants to tackle the man who brutally killed 2 people with a knife? The intimidation factor alone would scare players on opposing teams. And OJ would fit right into the NFL tradition of honoring and revering great players connected to murder. Isn’t that right Ray Lewis?
4. Politician - “Senator Orenthal James Simpson,” isn’t really that big of a leap. People are so short sighted and act like Donald Trump is first entertainer to take office. Americans love celebrities in office. From Reagan to Schwarzenegger, to Al Franken, to Jesse Ventura, and NFL Hall of Famer Steve Largent - we’ve been electing entertainers and athletes into public office for decades. This wouldn’t be something new so why not let OJ take a crack at politics? Can you imagine OJ on the Senate floor delivering a speech about healthcare? C-Span’s ratings would explode and you know damn well every political opponent would be scared shitless to vote against The Juice.
5. NBC Sideline Reporter - OJ played in the league before I was born. But my first memories of him were as an NFL sideline reporter for NBC. Time to give OJ his old job back. Sorry Michele Tafoya but there’s just nothing interesting about you. Unless Michelle gets acquitted of 2 double murder charges before the season starts the job should be OJ’s. Just imagine OJ running up to Bill Belichek and asking him what adjustments his team needs to make in the 2nd half. Now that’s some “Must See TV.”
No one know what the future holds for OJ Simpson, but it definitely looks bright. I’m excited to see where OJ takes his talents and I’ll be waiting patiently. It’s time to “Make OJ Great Again!”