The thing I enjoy most about living in the good ole’ United States of America is our plethora of options. We’re have so many choices in every facet of our lives. From our morning coffee, to choosing our next vehicle, to the shows we stream on Netflix, the possibilities are truly limitless. It’s one of the greatest aspects of living in a free market capitalistic society. There’s truly no shortage of choices in every aspect of our lives…except when it comes to politics. Sorry America you only get two and that’s it!
Think about this: You have more options at your local fro-yo store than you do in electing the people who run the country and decide things that will impact your everyday life. Let me repeat that for anyone who mis-read me: You have more options for the topping choices at you local fro-yo store than you do deciding who will become the next President. Sounds a little ass-backwards to me.
You might be thinking: That’s just not true Andy. You can vote for a member of the Libertarian Party, the Green Party, or even the leader of the Pizza Party (I nominate myself as this party’s leader). And you’re right, you can vote for anyone you want. But don’t be fooled, it’s a two party system. A rigged two party system run by money and lobbyists. A system that only allows people who have a “R” or “D” next to their name. A system in California that won’t even allow write-in-votes for the Governor! That’s right, I can’t even write in my favorite “woke” actor for Governor because the ballot states: “Write-in vote are NOT authorized for Voter-Nominated offices. This is your idea of democracy? Sounds like a bullshit exclusive mean girls system to me.
South Park brilliantly mocked our antiquated two party system back in 2004 when they satirized the Presidential race between John Kerry and George W. Bush as “Turd Sanwhich” vs. “Giant Douche.” They brought back those themes again in 2016 when Donald Trump ran against Hillary Clinton. The failure of the two party system couldn’t have been more evident in the last election. It featured the two most hated and polarizing Presidential candidates in American history. So what did America do? We went to the polls like we always do: With zero courage, zero conviction, and thought to ourselves, “I guess I’ll vote for the lesser of two evils.”
I hate that phrase. I mean I really hate that phrase. Like, I hate that phrase more than Donald Trump hates paying his taxes. I hate that phrase more than Hillary Clinton hates having actual convictions. I mean I really hate that phrase. I hate it because it shows zero backbone. The lesser of two evils approach is the person who settles in a relationship or job “just because.” It’s pathetic and weak and shows no desire for real change. But I hate it most because it reveals Americans are scared. We’re scared to think outside the box. To choose someone based on something besides a letter next to their name. We’re so scared we’d rather be basic and tribalistic then try something new. All we do is preach about change and progress, but then we turn our back on the very thing that would create the most change and progress: New political parties. New parties would give us more choices and more opportunities for a wider variety of candidates to run for office.
But instead we’d rather fight with each other and stick to being basic. But not me, I’m done with that shit and I’ve been done with it for quite sometime. Because I know they’re the same. Don’t fool yourself, the Republicans and Democrats are the Spiderman pointing meme. They’re really not that much different, both owned by corporate money and lobbyists. So on election day while you choose sides in a system that gives you two options I’m going to vote for people who aren’t owned by a political party. And with 300 million people I have plenty of options to choose from. So have fun with your two choices at the voting booth. I’ll be busy at my favorite fro-yo spot making my chocolate vanilla swirl fro-yo topped with M&Ms, Reese’s and Hersey Kisses…because I like variety in my life.